A-Z Of Me

Happy December!! December has to be my absolute favourite month, because who doesn't love Christmas?!?! Also (thanks to my gorgeous friend Lizzie) I have a series planned for this month: Achievable Aspirations! They will be every Wednesday as usual, and will be reasonable resolutions for you to make in preparation for the new year.

So, for today's post, I looked at every letter of the alphabet, then wrote down the first word that came into my head beginning with said letter. Here's me trying to explain these words.

Apples - Okay so I'm vegan, so I kind of have to like apples, and I really really do like them. I'm actually craving an apple right now, which is almost definitely why I thought of this word.

Barbaric - What a lovely word. If I was reading deeply into this, I'd say i thought of it because of how the world seems to be turning (what with Trump and Brexit and I'm A Celeb ending soon), but I'm not gonna turn it into that kind of post, so lets just say I like the word.

Clotted Cream - Okay um ew??? I don't eat regular cream, let alone once it's clotted. I do sort of love scones, though. Also, this has TWO Cs, so I think I should get double points.

Doodles - Well I do love a good doodle. Unfortunately, I cannot draw. Oh well.

Enochian - Aaaaaaand here comes the TV nerd. If you're not aware (why on Earth should you be???) Enochian is the language of the angels on Supernatural, the TV show.

Freddy - Aw this is a cute one. One of my old cats was called Freddie, and I'm still kind of in love with Fred Weasley, so I adore the name Fred/Freddy/Freddie. When I thought of it now, I had to spell it the way I did, for some reason.

Galapagos - Honestly I don't even now where the Galapagos Island are. They sound fancy, so I'm sure I'd love to go there one day.

Holly - It's Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaaas!!! I've just finished decorating the Christmas tree, so this is probably where holly came from.

Iguana - Who knows. I was probably picturing Joey Essex saying 'there's a dragon on that bridge' oh boy hahahahahaha how funny.

Japan - Clearly I don't know many J words. I'd love to go to Japan, but not enough that it should be at the forefront of my mind.

Kaleidoscope - Oh what a lovely word. Just keeps on giving.

Laminate - Right so what's going on in my brain? Laminating apparently. Probably some vague connection to the fact that I should be doing work right now and I'm definitely not.

Marriage - Aw cute.

No-Man's-Land - Honestly what???? Brain, come on! There are so many N words and you decide to go with no-man's land????? And I wonder why I'm failing all my subjects...

Obliviate - BAM here's the nerd again... For you cool people who don't know what I'm on about, Obliviate is a spell from Harry Potter, designed to wipe someone's memory of a specific thing (like I'm hoping will happen to me about this post oh wow).

Polynesian - ??? I don't know what this word means. Please educate me in the comments.

Quebec - Oh it just sounds so lovely. Also Quebecois is the nicest word.

Rasputin - Hello Modern History A Level. And that song that goes 'Ra-Ra-Rasputin'.

Sasquatch - Again, it just sounds lovely. I feel like these words are getting more and more random.

Titles - As in, you should be titling a novel (and then writing it!!!!!!!) but instead you are writing about Rasputin and Sasquatch. Wow.

Umbridge - Oh the Potter nerd within me is just too strong. Joe Walker as Umbridge is fantastic too, I hope he is what my brain meant.

Vacuum - Pretty sure my mum was vacuuming whilst I was word-thinking.

Where's Wally - I'm just gonna accept the weird ones now, I thought this would be so personal and revealing, but it's really just revealed me as a nerd and a very odd person.

Xylophone - Because there are like 0 other X words. X-ray doesn't count.

Yo Sushi - WHAT???????? I DON"T EVEN EAT SUSHI AND I"VE NEVER BEEN TO A YO SUSHI WHY BRAIN.

Zambeezee  - Alright so it turns out this isn't even a word. I think this sums up how well this post went.

I Am... Happy

Happiness.
What does that word mean to you?
Is it a person? A place? One prevalent moment of laughter?
For me, happiness isn't a memory, nor is it a goal to aim for. It's a way of life, a mindset, a means of living. Happiness is not a job or a destination, it shouldn't be something that's on your bucket list. You should be doing the things on your bucket list whilst being happy.

For a while now, I've been debating what makes me happy. Here's what I came up with (in no particular order):

• seeing a sunrise
• 3am deep chats with close friends
• Bo Burnham
• the nostalgia of my memory box
• Skins
• when you wake up and think it's time to get up but really it's 2am and you have 4 more hours to sleep
• the feel of a hot water bottle thawing your body on a cold day
• Rachel Joy Scott
• Bee Movie memes
• being vegan
• Zero Day
• hugs
• baking
• complex characters
• Twenty One Pilot's cover of Cancer by My Chemical Romance
• that vine where a lil Spanish girl is laughing then her chewing gum falls out and she mutters 'oh, mi chicle' oh boy that gets me every time
• how my family almost literally used to be the family from Outnumbered
• Harry Potter (!!!)
• sleeping on friends on the bus to/from college
• Barack Obama singing
• my GCSE Music class (hi Mr Lawrenson I miss you)
• people who have a wide vocabulary and utilise it in daily life
• 13 Reasons Why
• Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time by Panic! At The Disco
• avocados
• when it's a stranger's birthday at college and everyone in the canteen claps
• meditation
• people pointing out your little idiosyncrasies
• The Death Cure
• finding cheap vinyl
• online shopping
• putting up the Christmas tree
• group chats
• The Jonas Brothers (I know, I'm embarrassed)
• spending time with God
• when you're told nice things that people have said behind your back (I call it kind bitching)
• NoContextLouis on twitter oh boy
• Louis Theroux in general tbf
• passive-aggressive vegan memes
• reading other people's poetry/novels/writings
• Emma Watson
• films which make exceptional use of colour
• singing
• seeing strangers show unprovoked compassion
• my faith
• PositivePlant on twitter
• that Michael McIntyre sketch about different name spellings
• when you've finished watching a live show and the cast are bowing and for no reason you suddenly flood with tears (no?? just me?? oh...)
• when the whole family's down and you're annoyed at the noise then you realise how lucky you are despite it
• Joe Walker as Umbridge
• hearing a cat purr
• seeing someone you love smile
• when you reread a poem you wrote a while ago and still? like it???
• Stellar Kart
• hearing one of your common phrases slip into a friend's vocabulary
• someone's face lighting up when talking about their passion

And so much more. These are a few of the things that bring happiness to my life, and I didn't even mention the largest contributors; my friends and their undying banter, my close family and our improbable harmony, simple life itself.

As this is the final Wednesday (and the final day!) of November, this is the final post of I Am..., so if you have any requests or suggestions for what the Wednesday series should be for December, let me know! 

Also, let me know what makes you happy, and what happiness means to you.

Thank you for reading. 

Dear 15-Year-Old Me

To Charlotte, circa April 2015.

It's okay.

People don't care as much as you think they do. They don't care about your weight, or your size, or the way your hair sticks out at an odd angle when you've slept funny. They aren't bothered if your makeup doesn't look like it normally does, or if you do a little worse than usual on a test. All of these things only affect you, and everyone feels the same about themselves.

Despite all of these things that everyone else doesn't care about, they do care about you. Your friends are just that: friends. Cherish the moments you spend with them and know that you deserve to spend time with them. You're gonna go through some hard times with them (and some harder times without them), but you're also gonna make some memories that you'll never, ever want to forget. Make time for friends, you don't always have to be waiting for someone else to make plans. Furthermore, you don't have to say yes to every plan you're offered. If you need some alone time, have some. You're only human, and you need to remember that. But then, you do have to leave the house at some point. Being cooped up isn't good for anyone, it just forces you to stew in your thoughts and riles up your inner storm.

Be thankful for the friends you currently have (I'm sure thankful that you had them), and don't take them for granted because one day you won't be as close or even know them at all, and that won't have to be sad if you take all that you can get from the relationships while they last. On the subject of friends, don't be scared of being alone. When you go to college you'll meet the most amazing people who will quickly become an extension of yourself. These wonderful people will make you want to get up at 5:30am, just so you can see them. Make sure to thank your current friends and future friends regularly because they deserve to know how important and valued they are.

Make sure to thank your family too. They might get on your nerves a lot (honestly I wonder if that'll ever change), but they do mean well, and they won't be there forever. Thankfully they are whilst I'm writing this, but you're already thinking about next steps and moving on and moving out and moving away, so treasure the time you have left with them. Tell the people you love that you love them more than you think you should, because sometimes people need to hear it.

You're changing at the moment; your ideals are becoming less skewed and your beliefs are finally emerging. Embrace this change; stop fighting it. Trust me, you'll love it once you're settled in yourself. Things for you now aren't all that good, but I promise you that they will be. You'll be happy, you'll start finally living, as opposed to just being, surviving. You're gonna drag yourself out of this hole and it's gonna be hard, but oh boy will it be worth it. You don't know how to accept help at the moment but you'll need to; you can't do this by yourself. It's not weak to need saving. You're strong, stronger than you perceive yourself to be. Use that strength to save yourself and then to save others.

This hard time won't last forever.
Neither will this year.
Neither will secondary school.
But your happiness can, you just have to fight for it. You are worthy of so much more than you think. Love others, love yourself, and above all else remember to spread joy wherever possible.

Also stop being a dick, you really get on my nerves.

From Charlotte, circa November 2016.

I Am... A Nerd

Nerd

noun

1. A foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious.

2. A single-minded expert in a particular technical field.

(oxford dictionary)

I LOVE to read. I adore it. Always have, hopefully always will. Apparently this makes me a nerd. I'm not bothered about being called a nerd; it's not an insult, it's a personality trait. When I decided to write this post, I looked up the definition of the word 'nerd' to check what I was essentially labelling myself, and I was (and still am) very confused and surprised at the definition above. I don't (think I) lack social skills, and honestly I'm not even relatively studios, let alone boringly so. Someone being interested in things which are typically 'nerdy' doesn't make them anti-social. I can watch movies/talk about books/obsess over a character with my friends, making me not anti-social (apologies for the double negative there, but had to get my point across). 

On the subject of studious-ness (studiosity? That sounds a lot like a Georgia Nicholson quote), I really don't understand why people who revise and study more than others are considered uncool. Believe me, I'm not one of them, I couldn't revise for a test that isn't the next morning if my life depended on it. But still, I kind of wish I was one of them, I'd definitely do better in exams if I was. People seem to always condemn others' pursuits for success, and their drive or motivation. This really doesn't make any sense to me, I admire those who can strive for greatness and do everything in their power to get there.

Back to the first point of nerds, I also don't believe that I'm single-minded, about anything. And I'm definitely not an expert in any field, let alone a technical one. I'm one of those people who's alright at most things, and not fantastic at any one thing, so by this definition, I'm not a nerd. 

But I 100% am. 

I hate how much I care about fictional characters and their fictional lives, I hate the way a good weekend for me would be binge-watching Harry Potter, I hate how I can't walk past a bookshop without spending an absolute fortune. 

But I love how an author can make you feel and care for someone who isn't real through simple words, I love the comfort of curling up and listening to the familiar Warner Bros intro, I love that feeling when you finally finish a book, only to glance over at your sky-high reading list. 

I love to read, I love films, and I love being a 'nerd', but this definition isn't what it means to be a nerd to me. 

That Feeling

I like
to feel.
Physically or emotions.
I like
that feeling
when your heart
lifts to your throat
and your pulse jumps and flutters
and adrenaline courses
to your head
and your toes
and your fingertips.

But I hate
that feeling
when your heart
caves in
and your ribs crunch and suffocate you
and unite with your constricting lungs
to make you gasp
and gulp
and puff.

And I'm not sure how I feel about
when both those feelings
happen
all at once

and your heart is up and down and in a million pieces
and you think you'll be sick from the breathlessness and rushing blood,
from the swirling of your mind
and the crushing of your torso
as the storming and crumbling of your body
makes you
Feel.

                                           -c.h.f

15 Quotes

I adore quotes. I sometimes find it difficult to express my thoughts, so I find that quoting other people helps me to articulate my own thoughts, through theirs. Here are my top 15 quotes, some of which I agree wholeheartedly with, some of which I find interesting/amusing, and some of which I simply like, for some reason. Feel free to send me some of your favourite quotes!

15. 'People will never know how far a little kindness can go.' - Rachel Joy Scott (1981-1999)

To begin, here is a quote from my main inspiration in life, Rachel Scott. I love this quote because of the truth of it's implications; one kind deed, even a simple smile, could change someone's entire mindset, even if it's just for an hour, or a day.

14. 'Is there no way out of the mind?' - Sylvia Plath (1932-1963)

Sylvia Plath is one of the greatest poets of all time, and this quote aptly expresses the way I sometimes feel: trapped within the confines of myself. I often feel this way when trying to write but the words just won't come out, or when I am struck speechless with dumbfoundedness.

13. 'To die will be an awfully big adventure.' - J M Barrie (1860-1937)

I have previously spoken about my assurance that death is not to be feared, and this quote accurately sums up my feelings towards the matter; we should not be afraid of something simply because it is unknown.

12. 'I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts.' - Eric Harris (1981-1999)

It worries me how much I relate to this quote from a mass murderer, but I am adamantly dedicated to the truth within my thoughts, I refuse to act in a way that contradicts my moral code and/or my thoughts.

11. 'Non omnis moriar (I will not altogether die).' - Horace (65BC-8BC)

This quote never fails to bring me comfort when I think of my dearly departed friends. People do not altogether die, because we can hear their laughter in a Summer breeze, and feel their warmth in our hearts, and see their smile when we close our eyes. Nobody is ever truly gone. Death is not finite.

10. 'Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.' - Peter Benenson (1921-2005)

There is no use in complaining about injustice, you must act and try to create that hope, create that light, create that justice. There is always hope and there is always light, so you can always eradicate the darkness.

9. '(after online rant entitled 'You Know What I Hate?' detailing the type of people he hates) And sorry if I offended you, but, if I did, that means you are one of the people that I mentioned I hate, so I guess I'm not sorry, you asshole.' - Eric Harris (1981-1999)

Here is another quote from Harris (see 12), however I do not relate to this one. I included this in my list because I find the psychology behind it fascinating. I feel like this quote completely sums up Harris' thoughts leading up to the massacre he caused, and attempting to understand the mind of a killer intrigues me.

8. '(of animals) The question is not 'Can they reason?', nor 'Can they talk?', but 'Can they suffer?'.' - Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832)

I love this quote because of how it rings true with myself. This mindset is the main reason that I went vegan, as animals are sentient and have nerve cells, and so can feel pain. To me, the only logical reaction to this knowledge is to not harm them.

7. 'I am large. I contain multitudes.' - Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

If you know me in real life, you'll know I ADORE Whitman. I also adore this quote, because a human being is large, in spirit. Human's are not just one thought, or one belief, or one trait. They are large, they contain multitudes, they can be whomever they aspire to be, and can do whatever they aspire to do.

6. '(when leaving the House of Commons) I wish everyone, friend or foe, well. That is that. The end.' - Tony Blair (1953- )

This is my outlook on life. My aim is to always spread love and joy, no matter to whom. The end.

5. 'Colin is the sort of name you'd give a goldfish for a joke.' - Colin Firth (1960- )

Any readers who go to my college, you'll understand the inside joke ;). Aside from that, and the hilarity of this quote, said quote is important to me, because to me it represents how it is always good to be able to laugh at yourself. For a long time, I couldn't laugh at myself, and my existence was pretty miserable. To poke fun at oneself is to embrace humour and laughter in all walks of life.

4. 'We must be the change we wish to see in the world.' - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

I couldn't agree more with an insightful quote from a legendary man. We cannot expect things to change if we just sit back and let things happen. We must be the good that we desire.

3. 'I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.' - Lillian Hellman (1905-1984)

Especially prevalent after the recent hate that has been terrorising the world, this quote is valuable. I have a strict moral code by which I govern my existence, and I refuse to bow to societal standards if I do not feel they meet my ethics. I hate to quote my parents, but just because everyone else is doing something, doesn't mean it's right.

2. 'God moves in mysterious ways.' - William Cowper (1731-1800)

I do not pretend to understand the Lord's workings or reasonings, and this quote sometimes helps to reassure me when I feel my life is going awry. Remember that there is a plan for you, and everything will be alright in the end. Eventually, you will be better off than you are now, you just might have a tough road to get there. That tough road will change you for the better.

1. 'Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer.' - Rachel Joy Scott (1981-1999)

I began with a quote from Rachel Scott, so I'm going to end with one. This quote is so important to me and the way I choose to live my life. I couldn't agree more with it, and I often find myself reminding myself that all I have to do to have a successful day is be compassionate. If you want to be happy, show compassion. If you want others to be happy, show compassion. One simple gesture could start a chain reaction which will blossom into euphoria. Show compassion, and therefore show love.

To Come From Soil

If tall roses are red
And small violets blue
And brown is the filthy ground in which the flowers grew,

Then my words can be gorgeous
And will not be overtook
By the effigy I show the world; my exterior, my look.

For proven by these flora
Is that anything can spawn
From the plainest of beginnings; you are not what you were born.

                                            -c.h.f