I Am... Happy

Happiness.
What does that word mean to you?
Is it a person? A place? One prevalent moment of laughter?
For me, happiness isn't a memory, nor is it a goal to aim for. It's a way of life, a mindset, a means of living. Happiness is not a job or a destination, it shouldn't be something that's on your bucket list. You should be doing the things on your bucket list whilst being happy.

For a while now, I've been debating what makes me happy. Here's what I came up with (in no particular order):

• seeing a sunrise
• 3am deep chats with close friends
• Bo Burnham
• the nostalgia of my memory box
• Skins
• when you wake up and think it's time to get up but really it's 2am and you have 4 more hours to sleep
• the feel of a hot water bottle thawing your body on a cold day
• Rachel Joy Scott
• Bee Movie memes
• being vegan
• Zero Day
• hugs
• baking
• complex characters
• Twenty One Pilot's cover of Cancer by My Chemical Romance
• that vine where a lil Spanish girl is laughing then her chewing gum falls out and she mutters 'oh, mi chicle' oh boy that gets me every time
• how my family almost literally used to be the family from Outnumbered
• Harry Potter (!!!)
• sleeping on friends on the bus to/from college
• Barack Obama singing
• my GCSE Music class (hi Mr Lawrenson I miss you)
• people who have a wide vocabulary and utilise it in daily life
• 13 Reasons Why
• Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time by Panic! At The Disco
• avocados
• when it's a stranger's birthday at college and everyone in the canteen claps
• meditation
• people pointing out your little idiosyncrasies
• The Death Cure
• finding cheap vinyl
• online shopping
• putting up the Christmas tree
• group chats
• The Jonas Brothers (I know, I'm embarrassed)
• spending time with God
• when you're told nice things that people have said behind your back (I call it kind bitching)
• NoContextLouis on twitter oh boy
• Louis Theroux in general tbf
• passive-aggressive vegan memes
• reading other people's poetry/novels/writings
• Emma Watson
• films which make exceptional use of colour
• singing
• seeing strangers show unprovoked compassion
• my faith
• PositivePlant on twitter
• that Michael McIntyre sketch about different name spellings
• when you've finished watching a live show and the cast are bowing and for no reason you suddenly flood with tears (no?? just me?? oh...)
• when the whole family's down and you're annoyed at the noise then you realise how lucky you are despite it
• Joe Walker as Umbridge
• hearing a cat purr
• seeing someone you love smile
• when you reread a poem you wrote a while ago and still? like it???
• Stellar Kart
• hearing one of your common phrases slip into a friend's vocabulary
• someone's face lighting up when talking about their passion

And so much more. These are a few of the things that bring happiness to my life, and I didn't even mention the largest contributors; my friends and their undying banter, my close family and our improbable harmony, simple life itself.

As this is the final Wednesday (and the final day!) of November, this is the final post of I Am..., so if you have any requests or suggestions for what the Wednesday series should be for December, let me know! 

Also, let me know what makes you happy, and what happiness means to you.

Thank you for reading. 

Dear 15-Year-Old Me

To Charlotte, circa April 2015.

It's okay.

People don't care as much as you think they do. They don't care about your weight, or your size, or the way your hair sticks out at an odd angle when you've slept funny. They aren't bothered if your makeup doesn't look like it normally does, or if you do a little worse than usual on a test. All of these things only affect you, and everyone feels the same about themselves.

Despite all of these things that everyone else doesn't care about, they do care about you. Your friends are just that: friends. Cherish the moments you spend with them and know that you deserve to spend time with them. You're gonna go through some hard times with them (and some harder times without them), but you're also gonna make some memories that you'll never, ever want to forget. Make time for friends, you don't always have to be waiting for someone else to make plans. Furthermore, you don't have to say yes to every plan you're offered. If you need some alone time, have some. You're only human, and you need to remember that. But then, you do have to leave the house at some point. Being cooped up isn't good for anyone, it just forces you to stew in your thoughts and riles up your inner storm.

Be thankful for the friends you currently have (I'm sure thankful that you had them), and don't take them for granted because one day you won't be as close or even know them at all, and that won't have to be sad if you take all that you can get from the relationships while they last. On the subject of friends, don't be scared of being alone. When you go to college you'll meet the most amazing people who will quickly become an extension of yourself. These wonderful people will make you want to get up at 5:30am, just so you can see them. Make sure to thank your current friends and future friends regularly because they deserve to know how important and valued they are.

Make sure to thank your family too. They might get on your nerves a lot (honestly I wonder if that'll ever change), but they do mean well, and they won't be there forever. Thankfully they are whilst I'm writing this, but you're already thinking about next steps and moving on and moving out and moving away, so treasure the time you have left with them. Tell the people you love that you love them more than you think you should, because sometimes people need to hear it.

You're changing at the moment; your ideals are becoming less skewed and your beliefs are finally emerging. Embrace this change; stop fighting it. Trust me, you'll love it once you're settled in yourself. Things for you now aren't all that good, but I promise you that they will be. You'll be happy, you'll start finally living, as opposed to just being, surviving. You're gonna drag yourself out of this hole and it's gonna be hard, but oh boy will it be worth it. You don't know how to accept help at the moment but you'll need to; you can't do this by yourself. It's not weak to need saving. You're strong, stronger than you perceive yourself to be. Use that strength to save yourself and then to save others.

This hard time won't last forever.
Neither will this year.
Neither will secondary school.
But your happiness can, you just have to fight for it. You are worthy of so much more than you think. Love others, love yourself, and above all else remember to spread joy wherever possible.

Also stop being a dick, you really get on my nerves.

From Charlotte, circa November 2016.

That Feeling

I like
to feel.
Physically or emotions.
I like
that feeling
when your heart
lifts to your throat
and your pulse jumps and flutters
and adrenaline courses
to your head
and your toes
and your fingertips.

But I hate
that feeling
when your heart
caves in
and your ribs crunch and suffocate you
and unite with your constricting lungs
to make you gasp
and gulp
and puff.

And I'm not sure how I feel about
when both those feelings
happen
all at once

and your heart is up and down and in a million pieces
and you think you'll be sick from the breathlessness and rushing blood,
from the swirling of your mind
and the crushing of your torso
as the storming and crumbling of your body
makes you
Feel.

                                           -c.h.f